Harvard Officials Say $8.9 Million Donation From Jeffrey Epstein Was From Brief Recovery Period When

https://www.theonion.com/harvard-officials-say-8-9-million-donation-from-jeffre-1838103374

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Emphasizing that the late billionaire was only having sex with consenting adults at the time, Harvard officials said Friday that the nearly $9 million Jeffrey Epstein gave to the university was received during a brief recovery period when he did not engage in pedophilia. “I want to be clear: These…

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Green Giant Offering Program Where Gun Owners Can Trade In Firearms For Green Beans

https://www.theonion.com/green-giant-offering-program-where-gun-owners-can-trade-1838097221

PARSIPPANY, NJ—Claiming that the recent spate of mass shootings gave them no choice but to stand up and try to make a difference, vegetable purveyor Green Giant launched a new program Friday where gun owners can trade in their firearms in exchange for green beans. “These kinds of weapons have no place on the street or…

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Liberal Parents Struggling To Find School District With High-Quality Drag Queens

https://local.theonion.com/liberal-parents-struggling-to-find-school-district-with-1838094112

NORFOLK, VA—Saying it was never too early to begin instilling the values they believe in, liberal parents Christopher and Stacey Castaneda confirmed Friday that they were struggling to find a school district with high-quality drag queens. “We’re committed to finding a school system that has well-paid, skilled drag…

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