Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic

https://politics.theonion.com/contrarian-new-york-times-travel-section-breaks-with-1841141745

NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board, The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination. “Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with…

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First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Moles

https://www.theonion.com/first-time-davos-attendee-can-t-believe-how-many-semina-1841138343

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about…

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‘Times’ Gives Klobuchar, Warren 2020 Endorsement

https://www.theonion.com/times-gives-klobuchar-warren-2020-endorsement-1841137475

In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate, the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the 2020 Democratic primary, saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party that voters would have to choose from to pit against President Trump. What do you

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Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden

https://politics.theonion.com/kellyanne-conway-suggests-martin-luther-king-jr-would-1841137797

WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice, Kellyanne Conway, senior counselor to the president, suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden. “Dr. Martin Luther King, who was known for his nonviolent…

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Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman

https://local.theonion.com/area-dad-sure-knows-a-lot-about-local-weather-woman-1841137049

ROCKFORD, IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history, household sources confirmed Tuesday that area dad Shawn Garcia seems to know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki. “He keeps going on about how she wore that same red blouse last week, and I swear…

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Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists

https://www.theonion.com/report-clicking-this-link-will-add-you-to-several-fbi-1841135423

WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled…

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Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did

https://local.theonion.com/canadian-man-wishes-there-was-some-way-to-pay-his-docto-1841134326

TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange,…

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