‘The Onion’ Calls On Israel To Bomb Our Offices In Case Any Hamas Agents Hiding Out There

https://www.theonion.com/the-onion-calls-on-israel-to-bomb-our-offices-in-case-1846912378

In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to reckon with its own responsibility as the world’s foremost news media titan…

Read more...

Heads Up ‘Metroid’ Fans: Oh Man, We Forgot We Signed An NDA, Nevermind

https://ogn.theonion.com/heads-up-metroid-fans-oh-man-we-forgot-we-signed-an-1846898930

Ever since the release of Metroid: Samus Returns in 2017, series diehards have been rabidly awaiting any hint about the next installment in this iconic franchise. Well, Nintendo fans, you’re going to want to buckle up because—ah shit. Gamers, we’re just remembering we signed an NDA. Let us check the fine print real…

Read more...

8th Cat Acquired In Hopes Of Easing Tension Between First 7 Cats

https://local.theonion.com/8th-cat-acquired-in-hopes-of-easing-tension-between-fir-1846909875

MARINA DEL REY, CA—Aiming to reduce the ongoing household conflict, local woman Alice Jordan reportedly acquired an eighth cat Monday in the hopes of easing tensions between the first seven. “Things have been pretty difficult around here, especially since Cupcake and Egg formed their own bloc to fight against the…

Read more...

Israel Returns Occupied Territories To Palestinians After Running Out Of Targets To Hit In Gaza

https://www.theonion.com/israel-returns-occupied-territories-to-palestinians-aft-1846910259

JERUSALEM—Unveiling a new policy to relinquish control of thousands of settlements, Israeli government officials reportedly returned the occupied territories to Palestinians Monday after running out of targets to hit in Gaza. “Effective immediately, we are returning land in the West Bank, Golan Heights, and east…

Read more...

‘This Is What It’s All About, Boys,’ Says Man Hour Away From Complete Meltdown On Sixth Hole

https://sports.theonion.com/this-is-what-it-s-all-about-boys-says-man-hour-away-1846890831

NILES, IL—Basking in the majesty of the municipal golf course, local man James Carrol exclaimed, “This is what it’s all about, boys” Monday, just an hour before a complete mental breakdown on the sixth hole. “I’m out on the course with my best boys, drinking beers and listening to jams,” said Carroll, who would soon…

Read more...

Rich Guy Asks Around To Find Out Who The New Jeffrey Epstein Is

https://www.theonion.com/rich-guy-asks-around-to-find-out-who-the-new-jeffrey-ep-1846888032

NEW YORK—Nearly two years after the death of the infamous financier as he awaited trial on charges of trafficking minors for sex, sources confirmed Friday that Manhattan-based rich guy Felix Templeton was asking around to see if anyone could tell him who the new Jeffrey Epstein was. “It’s been a while, so I figure by…

Read more...